Anniversaries...

This week is the anniversary of when my CPTSD emerged 3 years ago. It's been rough. I have had so much on my on my mind. I haven't really discussed it with anyone because it doesn't seem relevant unless you are going through it. From the outside looking in, it's just another day. To me, I am reliving so many things over and over in my head, and then some. I give up on trying to describe it to people because they just write me off or tell me to move on...not possible at this point in time.

On top of all of that, I have been dealing with my mom being in the hospital. It's so difficult for me to go visit her. I actually haven't even been there yet and she has been there for a week. I just feel so much anger right now with everything in my head PLUS the fact that my stepfather just keeps neglecting her health, landing her in the hospital on a monthly basis. When we visit, he does a "pity me" routine and I don't know if I can handle it right now. I am just so sick of everything. Mom normally wants nothing to do with me because I refuse to give up on myself and give in to the pressure and the bullying that they have been throwing at me since I came out with the truth. I love her to death but I have held in all of this pain and all of these secrets for over 30 years and I refuse to lie for him anymore. I don't want to hold a grudge nor do I want to hurt anyone but I refuse to allow them to hurt me continuously just because I have found my backbone. It hurts so bad knowing that she chooses to protect h over me and it hurts me to not see her but I have to do what's best for me for once. It's so hard watching him NOT take care of her and not being able to do anything. We have tried but with no success. Going to that hospital room is going to break me considering that I am already pretty broken right now. And I know that they are going to try rip me apart. And the narcissism...UGH I can't handle it. And, to top it all off, my stepfather has yet to even call me since she has been in there to tell me that she is in there or update me!! Of course he lied and told my son he left a message on my machine and I never called back. I just can't handle any more... I need to move away