Reality...

It's been a rough few months. I go through each day suppressing the pain with a fake smile and it's getting harder to do. I have been having so many flashbacks and I really have no idea how to piece them all together. They are just bits and pieces from my childhood like place, objects, smells, etc. and, though they seem to be insignificant, when they pop into my head, they knock the wind out of me. Then starts the confusion, the fear, the sadness, the anger, and every other emotion that I can feel. It's exhausting. Not to mention the daily, horrible migraines which are magnified x100 by the flashbacks. THEN there's the nausea that comes with it all AND the dizziness AND the dissociation. It's just so surreal knowing that there might be that ONE memory in there that may change me. It's hard not know what my mind had locked away to protect myself. Looking back, I realize how little I remember about my childhood. Granted, I do remember a lot of the bad trauma and a few of the good things but I remember very little. I have blocked most of it out. It's amazing what our minds can do.

One of my biggest struggles that I have been having these past few months is my relationship with people. My mom has time and time again chosen him over us and yet she calls and blames my husband for not seeing me. I struggle with this EVERY DAY. Nick has NOTHING to do with me not seeing my mom except maybe ME being upset that she brought him into a situation that has nothing to do with him and it angers me that she would rather place the blame on a man that has done everything to help me through this rather than place the blame where it rightfully belongs just because she feels guilty and she feels the need to blame someone else. It is hard though because I love my mom regardless of what has happened. I have forgiven. I just wish that the situation wasn't what it was. It just has gotten worse. I have tried clearing the air, tried talking it out, but Merrill's narcissism won't allow him to let it go. That would be him taking responsibility for his actions and, heck no, he can't do that! So, he blames my husband for my CPTSD. My psychiatrist told me I need to sever ties completely but it's hard since dad died and mom is the only parent that I have. So, it's something I have to struggle with every day. No matter how much people hurt me, it doesn't stop me from loving them.

It's also getting harder and harder for me to go places. I feel like I am constantly finding ways to avoid people just so I don't have to come up with excuses. People don't understand...I would LOVE to socialize, I would LOVE to go out, I would LOVE to visit BUT my mind and my body just isn't up for it right now. I feel like if I have to explain that to someone, they just see it as a poor excuse and that I am just trying to get out of something. NO!!  It's so hard for me to be around people right now with all of these flashbacks and headaches. I limit myself to grocery shopping and family functions (and that's pushing it). I feel like such a loner but it's where I have to be right now, at home, and I feel like people might think I am pushing them away or not being there for them and I feel horrible for that. This disease has taken so much from me BUT in order to be in my life you have to try to understand the disease. It's not normal PTSD. It's a little different and harder to get to due to the trauma being from childhood and being prolonged. It has stages and "bad" times and I and having one of those times. I refuse to suppress it and act like something I am not. I am trying my hardest and that's all I can do and the last thing that I want to do is hurt anyone. 

Okay...this was kind of an "all over" post. Just had a lot on my mind lately!! Thanks to you all for listening and your support! Means a lot :)