Anniversaries...

This week is the anniversary of when my CPTSD emerged 3 years ago. It's been rough. I have had so much on my on my mind. I haven't really discussed it with anyone because it doesn't seem relevant unless you are going through it. From the outside looking in, it's just another day. To me, I am reliving so many things over and over in my head, and then some. I give up on trying to describe it to people because they just write me off or tell me to move on...not possible at this point in time.

On top of all of that, I have been dealing with my mom being in the hospital. It's so difficult for me to go visit her. I actually haven't even been there yet and she has been there for a week. I just feel so much anger right now with everything in my head PLUS the fact that my stepfather just keeps neglecting her health, landing her in the hospital on a monthly basis. When we visit, he does a "pity me" routine and I don't know if I can handle it right now. I am just so sick of everything. Mom normally wants nothing to do with me because I refuse to give up on myself and give in to the pressure and the bullying that they have been throwing at me since I came out with the truth. I love her to death but I have held in all of this pain and all of these secrets for over 30 years and I refuse to lie for him anymore. I don't want to hold a grudge nor do I want to hurt anyone but I refuse to allow them to hurt me continuously just because I have found my backbone. It hurts so bad knowing that she chooses to protect h over me and it hurts me to not see her but I have to do what's best for me for once. It's so hard watching him NOT take care of her and not being able to do anything. We have tried but with no success. Going to that hospital room is going to break me considering that I am already pretty broken right now. And I know that they are going to try rip me apart. And the narcissism...UGH I can't handle it. And, to top it all off, my stepfather has yet to even call me since she has been in there to tell me that she is in there or update me!! Of course he lied and told my son he left a message on my machine and I never called back. I just can't handle any more... I need to move away

Reality...

It's been a rough few months. I go through each day suppressing the pain with a fake smile and it's getting harder to do. I have been having so many flashbacks and I really have no idea how to piece them all together. They are just bits and pieces from my childhood like place, objects, smells, etc. and, though they seem to be insignificant, when they pop into my head, they knock the wind out of me. Then starts the confusion, the fear, the sadness, the anger, and every other emotion that I can feel. It's exhausting. Not to mention the daily, horrible migraines which are magnified x100 by the flashbacks. THEN there's the nausea that comes with it all AND the dizziness AND the dissociation. It's just so surreal knowing that there might be that ONE memory in there that may change me. It's hard not know what my mind had locked away to protect myself. Looking back, I realize how little I remember about my childhood. Granted, I do remember a lot of the bad trauma and a few of the good things but I remember very little. I have blocked most of it out. It's amazing what our minds can do.

One of my biggest struggles that I have been having these past few months is my relationship with people. My mom has time and time again chosen him over us and yet she calls and blames my husband for not seeing me. I struggle with this EVERY DAY. Nick has NOTHING to do with me not seeing my mom except maybe ME being upset that she brought him into a situation that has nothing to do with him and it angers me that she would rather place the blame on a man that has done everything to help me through this rather than place the blame where it rightfully belongs just because she feels guilty and she feels the need to blame someone else. It is hard though because I love my mom regardless of what has happened. I have forgiven. I just wish that the situation wasn't what it was. It just has gotten worse. I have tried clearing the air, tried talking it out, but Merrill's narcissism won't allow him to let it go. That would be him taking responsibility for his actions and, heck no, he can't do that! So, he blames my husband for my CPTSD. My psychiatrist told me I need to sever ties completely but it's hard since dad died and mom is the only parent that I have. So, it's something I have to struggle with every day. No matter how much people hurt me, it doesn't stop me from loving them.

It's also getting harder and harder for me to go places. I feel like I am constantly finding ways to avoid people just so I don't have to come up with excuses. People don't understand...I would LOVE to socialize, I would LOVE to go out, I would LOVE to visit BUT my mind and my body just isn't up for it right now. I feel like if I have to explain that to someone, they just see it as a poor excuse and that I am just trying to get out of something. NO!!  It's so hard for me to be around people right now with all of these flashbacks and headaches. I limit myself to grocery shopping and family functions (and that's pushing it). I feel like such a loner but it's where I have to be right now, at home, and I feel like people might think I am pushing them away or not being there for them and I feel horrible for that. This disease has taken so much from me BUT in order to be in my life you have to try to understand the disease. It's not normal PTSD. It's a little different and harder to get to due to the trauma being from childhood and being prolonged. It has stages and "bad" times and I and having one of those times. I refuse to suppress it and act like something I am not. I am trying my hardest and that's all I can do and the last thing that I want to do is hurt anyone. 

Okay...this was kind of an "all over" post. Just had a lot on my mind lately!! Thanks to you all for listening and your support! Means a lot :)