Anniversaries...

This week is the anniversary of when my CPTSD emerged 3 years ago. It's been rough. I have had so much on my on my mind. I haven't really discussed it with anyone because it doesn't seem relevant unless you are going through it. From the outside looking in, it's just another day. To me, I am reliving so many things over and over in my head, and then some. I give up on trying to describe it to people because they just write me off or tell me to move on...not possible at this point in time.

On top of all of that, I have been dealing with my mom being in the hospital. It's so difficult for me to go visit her. I actually haven't even been there yet and she has been there for a week. I just feel so much anger right now with everything in my head PLUS the fact that my stepfather just keeps neglecting her health, landing her in the hospital on a monthly basis. When we visit, he does a "pity me" routine and I don't know if I can handle it right now. I am just so sick of everything. Mom normally wants nothing to do with me because I refuse to give up on myself and give in to the pressure and the bullying that they have been throwing at me since I came out with the truth. I love her to death but I have held in all of this pain and all of these secrets for over 30 years and I refuse to lie for him anymore. I don't want to hold a grudge nor do I want to hurt anyone but I refuse to allow them to hurt me continuously just because I have found my backbone. It hurts so bad knowing that she chooses to protect h over me and it hurts me to not see her but I have to do what's best for me for once. It's so hard watching him NOT take care of her and not being able to do anything. We have tried but with no success. Going to that hospital room is going to break me considering that I am already pretty broken right now. And I know that they are going to try rip me apart. And the narcissism...UGH I can't handle it. And, to top it all off, my stepfather has yet to even call me since she has been in there to tell me that she is in there or update me!! Of course he lied and told my son he left a message on my machine and I never called back. I just can't handle any more... I need to move away

Reality...

It's been a rough few months. I go through each day suppressing the pain with a fake smile and it's getting harder to do. I have been having so many flashbacks and I really have no idea how to piece them all together. They are just bits and pieces from my childhood like place, objects, smells, etc. and, though they seem to be insignificant, when they pop into my head, they knock the wind out of me. Then starts the confusion, the fear, the sadness, the anger, and every other emotion that I can feel. It's exhausting. Not to mention the daily, horrible migraines which are magnified x100 by the flashbacks. THEN there's the nausea that comes with it all AND the dizziness AND the dissociation. It's just so surreal knowing that there might be that ONE memory in there that may change me. It's hard not know what my mind had locked away to protect myself. Looking back, I realize how little I remember about my childhood. Granted, I do remember a lot of the bad trauma and a few of the good things but I remember very little. I have blocked most of it out. It's amazing what our minds can do.

One of my biggest struggles that I have been having these past few months is my relationship with people. My mom has time and time again chosen him over us and yet she calls and blames my husband for not seeing me. I struggle with this EVERY DAY. Nick has NOTHING to do with me not seeing my mom except maybe ME being upset that she brought him into a situation that has nothing to do with him and it angers me that she would rather place the blame on a man that has done everything to help me through this rather than place the blame where it rightfully belongs just because she feels guilty and she feels the need to blame someone else. It is hard though because I love my mom regardless of what has happened. I have forgiven. I just wish that the situation wasn't what it was. It just has gotten worse. I have tried clearing the air, tried talking it out, but Merrill's narcissism won't allow him to let it go. That would be him taking responsibility for his actions and, heck no, he can't do that! So, he blames my husband for my CPTSD. My psychiatrist told me I need to sever ties completely but it's hard since dad died and mom is the only parent that I have. So, it's something I have to struggle with every day. No matter how much people hurt me, it doesn't stop me from loving them.

It's also getting harder and harder for me to go places. I feel like I am constantly finding ways to avoid people just so I don't have to come up with excuses. People don't understand...I would LOVE to socialize, I would LOVE to go out, I would LOVE to visit BUT my mind and my body just isn't up for it right now. I feel like if I have to explain that to someone, they just see it as a poor excuse and that I am just trying to get out of something. NO!!  It's so hard for me to be around people right now with all of these flashbacks and headaches. I limit myself to grocery shopping and family functions (and that's pushing it). I feel like such a loner but it's where I have to be right now, at home, and I feel like people might think I am pushing them away or not being there for them and I feel horrible for that. This disease has taken so much from me BUT in order to be in my life you have to try to understand the disease. It's not normal PTSD. It's a little different and harder to get to due to the trauma being from childhood and being prolonged. It has stages and "bad" times and I and having one of those times. I refuse to suppress it and act like something I am not. I am trying my hardest and that's all I can do and the last thing that I want to do is hurt anyone. 

Okay...this was kind of an "all over" post. Just had a lot on my mind lately!! Thanks to you all for listening and your support! Means a lot :)

A Different Approach

I have tried approaching this before but it never seemed "real" to me. I always felt like I was telling the generic version of my story and that's not fair to me or my heart. If I am going to tell it, I am going to tell it right, like I felt it, like I STILL feel it. No other way makes sense...

Stability and security were never things I had growing up. My parents divorced when I was two and, at that time, they went into "pleasing themselves and their significant other's" mode. Of course, when you are 2-3 years old, you have no idea this is even a thing. Your parents are the most amazing beings to ever walk the earth.

 The abuse started pretty much immediately on my dad's side. My stepmother hated, no, despised me. She did whatever she possibly could to hurt me, well, punish me, for just existing. She beat me and punched me to the point of knoking the wind out of me. She would lock me in closets and tie me up in plastic bags as punishment for wetting the bed. I remember getting freezing cold and scalding hot showers/baths as punishments also and, one time, I remember her pulling my pants down in public and beating me just for leaning forward in the car. She would verbally belittle me, tease me, and just constantly pummel me with her snide remarks. There was not a soft spot in that woman's heart for me and I let her hurt me as much as she wanted just so I could see my dad. He never said anything or stopped her from doing any of it because he wanted her to be happy and, if hurting us is what it ook, then that is how it had to be. I loved my dad so much and was blind to all of this until after he died 6 years ago. People will do a lot for those they love I guess. It just broke my heart knowing he didn't love ME enough to make her stop...

The abuse on my mom's side started when I was 4. She used to go out every week to bars and would bring people home all of the time. One of he men she brought home sexually abused me. When she broke up with him, she was all too happy to pry it out of me what he did and turn him in. It was like she used my misfortune as revenge against her ex. Soon after, she started dating another man, who is now my stepfather. She was a little more serious with this one. He started sexually abusing me almost immediately. I didn't tell anyone for awhile because I didn't want to hurt my mom and he told me not to tell. Well, my stepmother thought I was acting strange and she pried it out of me. She got such enjoyment out of it because she hated my mom and just wanted to use it to hurt her, of course, who cared about what was happening to me? Anyways. I turned him in. When my mom picked me up from school afterwards, she begged me to go to the cops and retract my statement because "He makes he happy"...so I did because I didn't like to see my mom sad. I was 5. Five freaking years old and having to make a decision like that! Needless to say, the abuse continued until I was 11 years old, almost daily. This is when I started getting violent with him whenever he got near me. It seemed like I was magnet for this crap as a child because I was also abused by 3 other people THAT I KNOW OF by the age of 15. I was pretty much told by my stepmother that I might as well keep my mouth shut about those ones because no one will believe me since I withdrew my statement about my stepdad. So I did.

It's almost three years now since my CPTSD came on. I realize how much of my childhood that I have suppressed and, the memories that have tried to come out, usually leave me shaking and crying uncontrollably, even though I can't even make out what they are. I look back now and I cannot believe that I made it through my childhood alive. People wonder why my faith is so strong and how I can believe in God after all that I have seen and after everything that I have been through. How CAN'T I believe?? How else would I have made it through my childhood? Who else was looking out for me? It certainly wasn't my parents or family that was supposed to be. They were only looking out for themselves. I was an alone, scared, angry, confused girl left to deal with it all on my own.

Holding it in only created problems far greater than I could ever imagined. That's for another day...